The stupid yet somehow normal lives of Mario and Luigi
by Deeptiger55
Summary: Ahh! A story about the casual life of the famous plumbers of the mushroom kingdom! Will it be heroic? Will it be unfortunate? Or will it be crammed full with unfortunate mishaps and lack of common sense? Nah, probably the second one... Right? (Suggestions/ideas will be put into consideration. I doubt the rating will change).
1. Chapter 1

THE STUPID YET SOMEHOW NORMAL LIVES OF MARIO AND LUIGI CHAPTER ONE: FISHING IS POWER

A/N: Hi guys! I decided I'll put up a whole bunch of random one shots of the documented lives of Mario and Luigi! Why? Cause I want to and I haven't done anything on this site for a LONG time. Whilst I am completely unreliable to update my stories on time, I figured that if meanwhile I started posting a load of one-shots, I wont have to worry about disappointing people by not uploading the next chapter of the story, 'cause there wont be one! Genius! *:D I WILL update my other stories (one day) but for now, I decided I'll try this so I won't have to worry about keeping up with a plot and all(because I'm lazy sometimes). R&R and if you have any requests/queries feel free to tell me! All criticism and help appreciated!

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Mario OR Nintendo (unfortunately :*( )

(For your information, these one-shots will be written in play script format)

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It was a rainy Sunday in the mushroom kingdom. A large storm was brewing up and everyone was cowering indoors like idiots and a bunch of koopa hobos were huddled up under a tree beginning to regret the rain dance they preformed earlier on in the week. Everyone was bored, and decided today was simply not made for outdoor tasks. That is except everyone but a certain two red and green clad plumbers...

MARIO: AHH! Would you just smell that fresh country air!(takes a deep breath in)

LUIGI: Mario, in this weather, all I can smell is mud and grass...

MARIO: Well duh, what do you think country air is?

LUIGI:(whining) Can we just hurry up and leave already? The sooner we're done, the sooner I can come back home to my Playstation!

MARIO:(also whining) Yeah, and my play-dough!

LUIGI: YOU STILL PLAY WITH PLAY-DOUGH?

MARIO: Yeah, its fun and its tasty when you put it in cookie dough!

LUIGI: Urgh, no wonder I always mysteriously get diarrhoea! And I always thought it was Peach's cake...

MARIO:(snapping) DON'T YOU EVER INSULT MY PEACHY'S CAKES AGAIN!

LUIGI: Surely you've come across the little lumps of castor sugar and raw egg at least once whilst eating one of her cakes?

MARIO: No...

LUIGI: Whatever, we're getting sidetracked. Lets just go before we catch a cold!

MARIO: Wow, since when did you care about me! Thanks bro, I'm so touched!(sniffs)

LUIGI: MARIO MOVE! I'M COLD AND I DONT WANT TO CATCH INFLUENZA! JUST GO SO WE GET THIS STUPID TRIP OVER AND DONE WITH JEEZE!

MARIO: Way to ruin the moment Weegee...

LUIGI: MOVE!

MARIO: Alright, alright calm down...

The pair squelch and struggle up a large muddy wet hill and appear on the other side and head towards a small pond at the bottom of it.

LUIGI: You made me carry all of our fishing equipment, forced me out here in the cold, oh and did I mention THE FRICKING LIGHTNING STORM, JUST to make me fish in this TINY pond that probably has NO living creatures in it whatsoever!

MARIO:(placing finger to lips) SHH! This pond is said to be charmed with an unlimited amount of fish! All you have to do is keep quiet and sing in the language of the marine people and they'll listen to you and grant you with a mother load of fish!(starts singing in an unknown, made-up sounding language and darts around in random directions)

LUIGI: I knew mum lied when she said she hadn't dropped you as a baby...

MARIO:(incredibly loudly) SHUT UP I'M CONCENTRATING!

LUIGI: (straight facing)Umm, I think you've probably already scared away any marine creatures that were ever in that pond because of your stupidly ironic actions.

MARIO:(ignores Luigi and continues to sing/chant)

LUIGI:(sarcastically)You know what? If you really want to join the marine people that much why don't you ask the king to give me an all-you-can-eat fish supply whilst you're at it!(walks away)

Mario suddenly stops his messed up singing and stands completely still for several seconds before screaming the word fish seven times and thrusting his hands towards the pond. Twenty seconds later nothing happens. Mario still stands there expectantly, as if waiting for fish to magically start spewing from the water.

LUIGI:(turns around) Well are you coming or not?

Silence

LUIGI: I can't believe someone as intelligent as me can possibly be related to this retard...

MARIO: COME ALL YE PEOPLE OF THE FISH AND GRANT ME WITH THY WONDROUS POWERS!

Awkward silence.

MARIO: Ah, screw it. Lets go home Weegee!

LUIGI: Wait, what? Thats it!?

MARIO: Yeah, I'm sure those toads were just lying. Though I guess we can stay a bit longer since the best way to call them is by assembling all thirty of the lost jewels of Darklands around said water source and link hands around it in a circle and spend thirty-two and a half hours reciting all the ancient scribes of the lost marine cit-

LUIGI: You know what, home looks good for now.

MARIO: YAY! Hey Weegee, when we get home can you make me some hot chocolate please! I'm freezing!

LUIGI: One: The answers no! Two: You're the reason why we're suffering out here for no reason whatsoever! And Three: If you want a slave, go ask Yoshi!

MARIO: PLEEEEEEAAASSSE?! It'll make up for you calling me a retard!

LUIGI: You heard that!?

MARIO: Yup! And all I have to do is dial that number and mum will come over here and grab you by the ear and throw you down a non-existent flight of stairs for insulting her son! And the best thing is, mum will completely disown you and never acknowledge you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

LUIGI:(scared as hell) FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

MARIO:(hauntingly)FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

LUIGI: Did I ever tell you that your my favourite brother in the world and I'll do absolutely anything for you?

MARIO: No, but that's nice to know! Oh and whilst you're at it, can you make me a spicy sausage sandwich!

LUIGI: Sure!

MARIO: And a burrito!

LUIGI: Sure!

MARIO: And some samosas!

LUIGI: Uh, sure!

MARIO: And some lasagna!

LUIGI:(teeth gritting) Sure!

MARIO: And some garlic bread!

LUIGI: You know what, why don't we just get takeaway tonight.I'll pay and I'll STILL make the hot chocolate. Sound good?

MARIO: Yup! As long as I can have my usual variety of twenty pizzas I'm good!(skips towards house)

LUIGI: Oh jeeze I forgot about that...

Mario and Luigi finally make it home, relax, order pizza and all is well... Apart from the fact that Luigi has now developed a serious case of Influenza. But it's his fault for not eating enough veggies when he was younger for building up his immune system anyways! DONT LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY KIDS, BROCCOLI IS NOT A TYPE OF FUNGUS!

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 A/N: I hope you guys all enjoyed! Leave a comment and if you want to suggest a theme/title for a one-shot don't hesitate to tell me! Next chapter should be up either tomorrow or later today. Laters! ~cooltiger


	2. Chapter 2

THE STUPID YET SOMEHOW NORMAL LIVES OF MARIO AND LUIGI CHAPTER TWO: WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO SHOP IN PEACE!?

A/N: Like I promised chapter two is up in the same day! But only because it was pre-writen before I uploaded chapter one... Anyways R&R and don't forget to leave a comment/suggestion if you feel like it!

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Mario or Nintendo(ugh, there is no way I'm doing this for every chapter)

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It was a beautiful day in the mushroom kingdom. For once, it wasn't cloudy, and the streets where bustling with eager shoppers. You'd think that Mario and Luigi are too prestige to shop in the average supermarket, but nonetheless the least intelligent of the two decides that it doesn't matter...

MARIO:(calls from downstairs) WEEGEE!

LUIGI:(sleepily) WHAT?!

MARIO:(sweetly) Can you go to mushroom city and get some shopping done for me please?

LUIGI:(coming dowstairs) No! Why can't you do it?

MARIO: 'Cause last time I got kicked out.

LUIGI: Dah hell? Why did you get kicked out?

MARIO: The manager thought I was harassing one of his regular customers just because I asked their kid where they got their ice-cream from!

LUIGI:(deadpanning) Knowing you, you probably sounded like you were on heroin. Poor kid...

MARIO: Urgh, whatever. Well since you don't care that much, you can do all my shopping for the rest of my life! It'll save me the effort from having to go to the supermarket down the road anyways.

LUIGI: Wait, there's a supermarket down the road and you want me to go all the way to Mushroom City to shop there instead?! What's wrong with the other one!

MARIO: Too many fangirls, and with your luck you'd get kidnapped by a particularly psychotic one.

LUIGI: ...Point made...

MARIO: Anyways instead of giving you the 80 item length list that I usually do, just buy some decent pizza-WITHOUT cheese.

LUIGI: But the whole point of pizza is for the cheese! And you love cheese! Are you giving it up or something?

MARIO: Yup! Peach told me it made me fart a lot, so as from today, you will never see me eat cheese again!

LUIGI: But lasagna has cheese.

MARIO: Really? Oh, scrap that then. I'll just give up fruit and veg instead! That stuff tastes horrible anyways...

LUIGI: ...No comment...

MARIO:(suddenly snapping) WELL? What are you waiting for! I WANT MY EXTRA THICK CRUST MOZERELLA CHEESE PIZZA!

LUIGI: But I thought you said you didn't want chee-

MARIO: GO!

LUIGI: Alright, just let me get dressed...

Luigi walks upstairs and loudly slams his door. Ten seconds later, he quietly creaks it open, and carefully pads down the landing, trying not to alert Mario. He tiptoes down the stairs, and crawls into the kitchen.

LUIGI:(whispering to himself) Meh, screw shopping. I'll just camp out in my cart again!

Luigi almost makes it to the door when white gloved hands cover his face.

LUIGI:(muffled) WHA DAH HECK!

MARIO: I'm not that stupid you know! Just for that bit of cheek, you're going shopping without changing!

LUIGI: WHAT, NOOOO! What gives you the authority to do that anyways!

MARIO(puffs up with pride) The authority...OF A PARENT!

LUIGI:(sarcastically) Great now I have two psychologically disturbed mums!

MARIO: NOW OUT WITH YOU!

Mario grabs Luigi by his pyjama shirt and literally throws him out of the window into a (thankfully soft) pile of nearby rubbish.

MARIO:(shouting unnecessarily loudly)DON'T CONSIDER DRIVING 'CAUSE YOUR CARTS JAMMED AND DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT USING MINE!

LUIGI:(Even louder than Mario; so loud all nearby birds suddenly have strokes in mid-air and fall to the ground as cooked chickens) MARIO, STOP SHOOOUUUUTTTIIINNNNGGGG! IT HURTS MY HEAD!

Silence.

MARIO:(on his mobile/cellphone) Hi, are you the guy that babysat me when I was three? No? Ohhhhh, you're a mental asylum... Anyways do you mind taking my bro for a while please? I've wanted to dump him at an orphanage for a while now... What's his current state of mind? Umm okay! Lemme just ask him, WEEGEE!

Mario turns around and realises that Luigi his mysteriously disappeared.

MARIO: Can we just get to the paper signing bit please?

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Luigi stumbles out of the woods surrounding the Mario household and realised too late that he was going to have to ninja roll his way all the way to mushroom city without being seen in his Pj's...and that he had no money whatsoever.

LUIGI: Damn, I should have snagged my purse whilst I was at it...

Luigi starts to dart about the streets(gaining suspicious glances) but quickly realises that his ninja rolling wasn't going to be good enough for the busier streets. So he attempted to climb a tree, almost ripping his pj trousers in the process.

LUIGI: Almost there...

SNAP! Luigi falls a good 14 feet and lands on his a-uhh...I mean butt in the middle of the hard, concrete road (pretty amazing if he somehow didn't manage to completely demolish his pelvis).And if things couldn't get more painful, his pj trousers had ripped in half, humiliating him in front of the entire neighbourhood and of course, got pointed and jeered at by the usual irritating brat that never appreciates his humbug mints on Halloween. You can imagine that he really wished that he had just walked...

LUIGI: (blushing like an over ripened green apple) Why me...

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3 hours later, Luigi has arrived at Mushroom city(PRETTY LONG FOR A TWENTY MINUET WALKING DISTANCE)and managed to nick a dark green T-shirt with vomit stains and torn,light blue jeans with blood on the knees from a random charity shop. Stealing never gets you anywhere, but heck. Luigi then heads towards a pizza takeaway store, COMPLETELY forgetting the fact that he is broke and looks like a hobo on drugs. But don't tell him that...

LUIGI:(enters and walks up to the counter) Hi, can I have two extra thick crust Mozerella cheese pizza with a box of garlic bread please?

PIZZA BOY:(raises eyebrow) Okayyyyy... (Writes down order) I'll be right back..(walks away)

Luigi stands at the counter tapping his foot in impatience. He glances around and finds out he's receiving weird looks all around the restaurant.

LUIGI: What, never seen an underfed, unpopular, depression-suffering slave in charity-bought clothes buying pizza before?

Stares.

LUIGI: FINE I DIDN'T BUY THE CLOTHES I ST-

RANDOM GUY WITH BEARD(RGWB): Hey have I seen you before?

LUIGI: Probably on telly, yes. I'm Mario's brother Luigi.

RGWB: Wait, so it was your brother who tried to kill my son!

LUIGI:...No offence or anything, but what has this got to do with me? I'm sorry if he did anything rash, but all I want is to buy my pizza and go home!

RGWM:(puffing up with rage) Well I never! I cannot believe that you had the AUDACITY to walk up to me and tell me to my face that your possessed brother is none of your business! Do you know what he did to my son?! MY ONLY SON!? Do you know that he suffers from asthma, and now he's hooked up to a life support machine, battling through the tragic experience that was meeting your partially demented sibling? Do you know that after meeting your brother, he has sworn to NEVER touch an ice-cream again? DO YOU KNOW THAT HE GETS NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT THINKING-no-BELIEVING THAT DEMONIC BROTHER OF YOURS WILL CLIMB THROUGH HIS WINDOW AND CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH A TUB OF TRIPLE CHOCOLATE MINT FLAVOURED ICE-CREAM?!And do you know what the worst thing is?! HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE TRIPLE CHOCOLATE MINT FLAVOURED ICE-CREAM!

LUIGI:...(snort)

RGWB: SO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY DO YOU? BELIEVE ME, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN IF YOU DONT WIPE THAT DIRTY SMILE OFF OF YOUR HAIR-INFESTED, FILTHY LI-(has an extreme coughing fit mid sentence)Huh? What was that all about?*coughcough* What brought this on?! I'm getting stressed out, maybe I should take a seat...

Two members of staff who had been gaping at the man during his entire rant snapped to attention and helped the man sit down at his table.

Hey, did I ever tell you that this guy is obese seventy-eight-year-old that gains weight whenever he swells up in anger?

SNAP! The chair breaks and the RGWB lands on his-well you know-and cries out in anguish.

RGWB: CORNELIA, I'M COMING FOR YOU! WE'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO PARENT OUR JIMMY TOGETHER!*sniff*DAMN YOU MARIOS! I'LL BE SURE TO HAUNT YOU, YA HEAR! AND THIS IS FOR PUTTING ME TO SLEEP IN MY EARLY YOUTH!

Our poor RGWB attempts to reach out and curl his hand into a fist and punch Luigi in the face, but luckily-umm I mean UNFORTUNATELY, he died at that very moment.

There was a large hush across the entire area of mushroom city.

The pizza-makers stopped cooking and stared at the scene splayed before their very eyes, unconsciously leaving their onions and peppers to catch fire. All of the customers were awestruck, gazing at the young(*snort*NOT-ahem,sorry) man who had seemingly just had a heart attack and passed away right in front of them and their children with sorrowful expressions. The people outside where staring at the scene in shock and all bowed their heads to pay respect to the wasted soul.

Then all heads turned to Luigi.

Everyone glared at him with accusation leaving a very guilty looking Luigi scared senseless.

LUIGI:(gulp) Uhh...I'm not gonna get mobbed am I?

Glares

LUIGI:(annoyed) For goodness sake, I didn't do anything! Just gimme my pizza and let me go!

PIZZA BOY:(the one who served Luigi earlier): Take your pizza, you,you RULE-BREAKER!(thrusts pizza into Luigi's arms)

LUIGI: Wait, so I don't have to pay for that?(Smiling)Okay fine by me!

Luigi's smile instantly vanishes when he realises that the glares intensified at his amusement of the situation. Yeah, I'd be pretty scared too.

Luigi slowly walks out, clutching the box of pizza close to his chest like a shield(hey Luigi, its CARDBOARD! If a cardboard toy sword isn't strong enough to knock your brother unconscious, how the hell do you expect it to kill a mob of people?).

When Luigi exited the store, the amount of people outside was ridiculous. As he walked, numerous people glared at him intimidatingly, and a random dog peed on his bed slippers. Then out of nowhere a kid(no, not the brat in the street and not Jimmy) points at Luigi.

RANDOM YOSHI KID: Why did you give him such an easy death! YOU SHOULD HAVE USED BRUTE FORCE YOU WIMP!

Several murmurs of agreement echoed throughout the crowd leaving a dumbfounded Luigi to ponder over the crowds sanity.

LUIGI: Umm... Excuse me? Are you saying that you WANTED me to kill him?

RANDOM TOAD WOMAN: Yeah, that guy has done so much evil to us! His very hostile and the government agreed that this man should be killed on sight! Theres even a 1,000,000,000,000 coin reward for anyone that kills him, but it has to be BRUTAL! YOU JUST WASTED 1,000,000,000,000 FRIGGIN COINS!

TOAD GUY: Yeah, I could have used that money to invest my own business!

TOAD WOMAN: I could have bought a cure for my sick son!

YOSHI KID: AND I COULD HAVE BOUGHT MYSELF A GOOD CRATE OF CANNABIS!

Stares

YOSHI KID:(innocently) What?

MALE YOSHI: Who are your parents child! SHAME ON THEM! They shouldn't be keeping all the good stuff to themselves! SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY NEED THAT KIND OF STUFF!

MALE YOSHI'S WIFE: Yeah! The last time I ordered for some of that stuff, I got raspberry flavoured waffles! Which are gross! I bet you and your rotten family had finished all the cannabis in stock!

TOAD GIRL: HEY! Raspberry waffles are awesome! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY RASPBERRY WAFFLES! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EFFORT IT TAKES TO MAKE ONE WAFFLE A DAY WITHOUT GETTING HAIR IN IT! HUH? DO YA? DO YA?

MALE YOSHI: WELL EXCUUUUUUSE ME! ITS NOT MY WIFE'S PROBLEM IF IT TAKES YOU ALL DAY TO MAKE A SINGLE, GOOD FOR NOTHING, CRAPPY TASTING WAFFLE!

TOAD GIRL: YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

MALE YOSHI: I JUST SAID THAT TO YOUR FACE!

TOAD GIRL: YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!

MALE YOSHI: WE ARE OUTSIDE!

TOAD GIRL: YOU WANNA FIGHT!

MALE YOSHI: YES!

(*Insert violent scenes that are probably too graphic to put in a K+ story*)

Whilst the raspberry waffle obsessed toad girl and the defensive Yoshi guy proceeded to beat each others guts out, the Yoshi kid sneaks up to Luigi.

YOSHI KID: Hey dude. Must suck being you.

LUIGI:(Casually) Meh, don't mind me, I get this kind of stuff all the time. How 'bout you?

YOSHI KID: Sucks being me too. Hey, wanna be hobo buddies?

LUIGI:...I'm not a hobo.

YOSHI KID: Then why are you dressed like one?!

LUIGI: Long story. Hey, why don't you come home with me! I don't wanna be a hobo so maybe we can be roommates!

YOSHI KID: YAY! Does that mean we can have slumber parties every night and bake together and go swimming and surfing and cart racing and scuba diving and go to rehab and get drunk and steal cookies and go fishing?

LUIGI: Uh, maybe not the fishing bit, but I guess we can do the other stuff...

YOSHI KID: YAY, I GET TO SQUAT IN THE MARIO HOUSEHOLD! WOOHOO!

LUIGI:(facepalming) This kid is going to get me killed.

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The homeless looking hero and the drug addicted Yoshi sneaked out of the crowds and made their way to the safety of the Mario household!

But hey, who said they were ACTUALLY going to be safe?

YOSHI KID:(rubbing black eye) I think he totally over reacted.

LUIGI:(tending to cut lip) Meh, he does it all the time. You should have been there when I forgot to take a bin full of rotten prawns outside. Maybe he would have taken less of his anger on me?

YOSHI KID: Okaayy... Soooooo, where am I gonna sleep?

LUIGI: Who said your sleeping? Your coming outside, we still need to dig up that well.

YOSHI KID: He was serious!?

LUIGI:(sighing) Look kid, when Mario says something like that, there's a 95% chance that he means it.

YOSHI KID: What about the five percent?

LUIGI: 5% chance he'll try to do it himself and end up forcing you to drive him to A&E.

YOSHI KID: Damn, I think rehab would be better than this place!

LUIGI: Trust me, it probably is.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAH! What that kid doesn't know is that he's signed a contract for a lifetime sentence to slavery! Anyways, I must admit, this got a bit dull for me to write towards the end, probably because I was getting hungry. But if you enjoyed, leave a comment/suggestion and help is always appreciated! Hopefully I will get another chapter up before April ends and there's a large chance that it will be based on your suggestions if you've left any by then. Hope you liked this and leave a review!

~Deeptiger


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